Oh, how I do enjoy Wednesdays.
Left work at 1:15 with a fever of 100.5 degrees, slept pretty much straight from 1:40-4:30, drifted in and out of consciousness for a few hours, and in bed for the night by 9:00.
But that doesn't matter nearly as much as: only one more of the fuckers to go. Seven days from right now, I will be completely done with chemotherapy drugs. And 28 days from today is The End, in which I talk to my doctor, etc. Four weeks, I can handle. Especially because most of that four weeks will be drug-free and proud.
At the moment, I even feel pretty much like a normal human being, albeit a sleepy one.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Weekend Thoughts III
The generally anemic* quality of my posts for the past week bears some explanation and apology, for those who still read me.
You see, each an' every single cycle of chemotherapy weakens your body a little bit more than the last. Because, although the weeks off let the system recuperate a bit, it's not enough to regain 100% functionality. So every cycle leaves me a bit more winded, because I wasn't as good to start.
It's also a bit geometric: the weaker I start, the more is taken out of me. I grew proportionally weaker during Cycle 3 than Cycle 2, etc.
Which is all to say, I felt really goddamn worn-out as of roughly Wednesday morning, and I'm still not completely back in the world of humanity. I'm not in the world of humanity at all, actually, just a reasonable facsimile thereof. I have pervasive acid reflux, a general inability to focus, and a complete unwillingness to do anything physically stressful, like stand, talk on the phone, or drink water.
The good news, is that it's effectively over. I have to go to the hospital 5 more times for this whole cancer-type deal (I am going to assume that surgery will prove unnecessary, because dammit!...well, just dammit). Only two of those are chemo. And while Wednesdays have consistenly sucked, they haven't been long-term sucky, just one-off shots of sucky.
At one point, I had hoped that this board would serve as an inspiring tale of how cancer doesn't have to ruin your life. And it has, insofar as it's mostly a tale of how thoroughly chemotherapy ruins your life. Actually, I felt just fine with cancer for almost a full year. It's just the seven weeks of treatment that have driven me into suicidal despair.
Kidding! I was never suicidal. And it hasn't been that big a deal; 4 days out of every 21 have been almost intolerable, and then I get better. Remember kids, check yourself for suspicious lumps every month. And tell your doctor if you find any. Because I want every last goddamn one of you to suffer the way I have.
Kidding again! I wish cancer on no-one! Because it's a bad thing. Even though I have inspiringly sailed through it in a measly seven weeks.
Seriously, I cannot believe that people manage to do this for months at a time. I have really indescribable respect for those who did. I'm just coasting through on bile and sarcasm, and I am truly in awe of those who had to actually suffer for huge portions of their lives.
*A weak pun.
You see, each an' every single cycle of chemotherapy weakens your body a little bit more than the last. Because, although the weeks off let the system recuperate a bit, it's not enough to regain 100% functionality. So every cycle leaves me a bit more winded, because I wasn't as good to start.
It's also a bit geometric: the weaker I start, the more is taken out of me. I grew proportionally weaker during Cycle 3 than Cycle 2, etc.
Which is all to say, I felt really goddamn worn-out as of roughly Wednesday morning, and I'm still not completely back in the world of humanity. I'm not in the world of humanity at all, actually, just a reasonable facsimile thereof. I have pervasive acid reflux, a general inability to focus, and a complete unwillingness to do anything physically stressful, like stand, talk on the phone, or drink water.
The good news, is that it's effectively over. I have to go to the hospital 5 more times for this whole cancer-type deal (I am going to assume that surgery will prove unnecessary, because dammit!...well, just dammit). Only two of those are chemo. And while Wednesdays have consistenly sucked, they haven't been long-term sucky, just one-off shots of sucky.
At one point, I had hoped that this board would serve as an inspiring tale of how cancer doesn't have to ruin your life. And it has, insofar as it's mostly a tale of how thoroughly chemotherapy ruins your life. Actually, I felt just fine with cancer for almost a full year. It's just the seven weeks of treatment that have driven me into suicidal despair.
Kidding! I was never suicidal. And it hasn't been that big a deal; 4 days out of every 21 have been almost intolerable, and then I get better. Remember kids, check yourself for suspicious lumps every month. And tell your doctor if you find any. Because I want every last goddamn one of you to suffer the way I have.
Kidding again! I wish cancer on no-one! Because it's a bad thing. Even though I have inspiringly sailed through it in a measly seven weeks.
Seriously, I cannot believe that people manage to do this for months at a time. I have really indescribable respect for those who did. I'm just coasting through on bile and sarcasm, and I am truly in awe of those who had to actually suffer for huge portions of their lives.
*A weak pun.
Friday, March 25, 2005
The last full day
My fifteenth full day of chemotherapy is also, thank God, Christ and all the little angels, the last. And I feel pretty damned good, if I do say so myself. A little worn down, and I have some nasty acid reflux...but FUCK IT! I AM DONE WITH CHEMO! (at least, in practical terms...the little half-hour trips on Wednesday don't count, at least not to my immediate psychological well-being).
As I posted a couple days ago, what remains is simplicity itself: a quick shot of Neulasta on Monday, two Wednesdays (and we never know what fun to expect with those, do we...), and then, on the faraway so close day of April 25, a CT scan that, God willing and the crick don't rise, will show that I have No Cancer Of Any Kind in my body.
This is such a fucking relief. And I'm not even, like done yet. So in about two weeks, I will be Cap'n Ecstatic, I will. Watch this space for more.
As I posted a couple days ago, what remains is simplicity itself: a quick shot of Neulasta on Monday, two Wednesdays (and we never know what fun to expect with those, do we...), and then, on the faraway so close day of April 25, a CT scan that, God willing and the crick don't rise, will show that I have No Cancer Of Any Kind in my body.
This is such a fucking relief. And I'm not even, like done yet. So in about two weeks, I will be Cap'n Ecstatic, I will. Watch this space for more.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Home stretch
I've been kickin' it in Lake Villa since yesterday evening, as I forgot to mention. Which is sort of nice (I don't have to cook) and sort of really crappy (1hr+ car ride instead of 3 minute car ride. Which nearly killed me this morning).
I am so insanely close to done, I don't mind how utterly weak and tired I feel right now. And it is rather curious, just how week and tired I feel. Tomorrow should be a delight.
But Good God! only one more full day of chemotherapy! I can't even begin to say how happy that makes me feel.
Anyway, I spent most of today sleeping. Which is why I have to indulge in platitudes.
I am so insanely close to done, I don't mind how utterly weak and tired I feel right now. And it is rather curious, just how week and tired I feel. Tomorrow should be a delight.
But Good God! only one more full day of chemotherapy! I can't even begin to say how happy that makes me feel.
Anyway, I spent most of today sleeping. Which is why I have to indulge in platitudes.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
The end is near
The big news of the day is that I have the utter final schedule of everything:
-Tomorrow is chemo.
-Friday is chemo.
-Monday is neulasta.
-3/30 is bleomcyin
-4/6 is bleomycin.
-4/25 is my CT scan.
-4/28, I see Dr. Shevrin, and he theoretically tells me that I'm healthy.
-4/28, evening: I carouse.
Not that is hasn't been fun, but it hasn't. And I'm thrilled out of my mind that it's so close to over.
In general news, I feel good (just a lil' bit of stomach acid) and I'm hanging together pretty damn well. And I'm really, mostly excited that I have only two more full days of chemo. Thank Christ.
-Tomorrow is chemo.
-Friday is chemo.
-Monday is neulasta.
-3/30 is bleomcyin
-4/6 is bleomycin.
-4/25 is my CT scan.
-4/28, I see Dr. Shevrin, and he theoretically tells me that I'm healthy.
-4/28, evening: I carouse.
Not that is hasn't been fun, but it hasn't. And I'm thrilled out of my mind that it's so close to over.
In general news, I feel good (just a lil' bit of stomach acid) and I'm hanging together pretty damn well. And I'm really, mostly excited that I have only two more full days of chemo. Thank Christ.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Twofer
The internet was out last night, so I couldn't post. To those who were horribly disappointed by that:
1) I'm sorry.
2) Get a life.
The good news is that I'm just fine. I found out that the last CT scan will be 2-3 weeks after the last bleomycin. So 4-5 weeks from tomorrow, plus a day or two, and I'll know if I'm cured.
Also, I'm really tired, but that's not so much the cancer or the chemo as it is Cerridwen, waking me up at 3:00 AM the last two nights.
Bad kitty.
1) I'm sorry.
2) Get a life.
The good news is that I'm just fine. I found out that the last CT scan will be 2-3 weeks after the last bleomycin. So 4-5 weeks from tomorrow, plus a day or two, and I'll know if I'm cured.
Also, I'm really tired, but that's not so much the cancer or the chemo as it is Cerridwen, waking me up at 3:00 AM the last two nights.
Bad kitty.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
FUCKING WEDNESDAYS!
I didn't have a fever, and isn't that a good thing...
But I did sleep pretty much straight through from 5:00 'til about 8:30. And I'm not, like "awake" right now, and will be turning in early. I want to reiterate: it's very annoying that my worst side effects are happening because of an OTC drug.
Sorry to those who I offended over the phone (I was quite popular this afternoon), but in my defense, you did wake me up. And I don't wake up easy.
Three weeks! 21 days! Hoorah!
(Even though y'all will be spring breaking it up, I'm still going to post. Read if it is your desire to do so).
But I did sleep pretty much straight through from 5:00 'til about 8:30. And I'm not, like "awake" right now, and will be turning in early. I want to reiterate: it's very annoying that my worst side effects are happening because of an OTC drug.
Sorry to those who I offended over the phone (I was quite popular this afternoon), but in my defense, you did wake me up. And I don't wake up easy.
Three weeks! 21 days! Hoorah!
(Even though y'all will be spring breaking it up, I'm still going to post. Read if it is your desire to do so).
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