So here I am starting my second week of chemotherapy. Yee-haw.
After (mostly) two weeks off, my veins were in a much happier place than when last I had an IV shoved into me, and it took but a moment to rig me up for the day. And then Julia started pumping this and that and the other thing into me, and it was very delightful. I watched My Fair Lady, if anyone cares.
For no reason that I can discern, I am rather tired. Not in a way that I am worried about, but I wasn't this fatigued last time I had this particular cocktail.
Anyway, let me extend the open invitation: anyone who wants to visit me, come do so! Letting me know beforehand. Because some days will be much better than others. But I am seriously fucking bored, now that the novelty of "woo-hoo, I'm in chemo!"* has worn off. So please consider this an undignified plea for attention.
But anyway, I am doing pretty damn good. They took blood to do a cancer marker count, and when I get those results, I'll post them.
*Also known as "fucking hell, I'm in chemo! WTF?"
Monday, February 28, 2005
Sunday, February 20, 2005
80% of your body heat escapes through your head
I am now bald.
Last night, I shaved off all of my hair. I hadn't started losing it, yet, and there was a something-shy-of-20% chance I wasn't going to. But it wasn't worth it, to me, to wait and see, because I really wanted to make the choice to take it all off, rather than have it come off through an indignified process of finding loose hairs over every surface in my apartment.
That is to say, ye be warned. And also be warned, I don't carry it off very well. So I look kind of slightly horrifying.
Not a health post per se, but something I wanted people to know about before they saw me next.
Last night, I shaved off all of my hair. I hadn't started losing it, yet, and there was a something-shy-of-20% chance I wasn't going to. But it wasn't worth it, to me, to wait and see, because I really wanted to make the choice to take it all off, rather than have it come off through an indignified process of finding loose hairs over every surface in my apartment.
That is to say, ye be warned. And also be warned, I don't carry it off very well. So I look kind of slightly horrifying.
Not a health post per se, but something I wanted people to know about before they saw me next.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Wednesday morning coming down
The side effects of bleeomycin, according to the info I received:
-rash at site of injection
-fever
-hair loss
-skin discoloration around elbows and knees (?)
NOT nausea, right? You all see it.
So I wasn't that worried about surviving yesterday, except that they gave me Benadryl for the rash, and we all remember last Wednesday...and hey, I talked them down to a half-dose on that. After my dose in the morning, I go to work, ready to face my day, and crash. Real hard. It was kind of like:
10:00-11:00 - I am fine.
11:00-11:45 - A little sleepy
11:45-12:15 - A lot sleepy
12:15-12:30 - I just kind of sit and stare at my computer
12:30-12:40 - zzzzzzzz.
12:40 - I leave.
That lesson learned (fucking Benadryl). But that is not the story, oh no no no my little droogies, because after I got home, everything went straight to hell.
My father and Dr. Shevrin later came to the conclusion that I probably needed to eat right after the chemo, and that's where my problems began. But I didn't. Now I know. Anyway, the story gets right disgusting after here, so if you're weak of heart, or have good sense, skip ahead to the line of asterisks.
I never felt "nauseous" as such. But I did vomit. Quite a lot actually. At about 1:30 or 2:00, I emptied what must have been an entire stomachful of bile. I have no idea how this much bile managed to find its way into my digestive tract, but there it was. This trauma apparently burst a blood vessel somewhere or other, because I then vomited blood. Not much, but still...good God, it is scary. I called the hospital, and they assured me that I wasn't going to die of internal bleeding, which made me happy, and I had some water and tried to sleep.
40 minutes later, the water came back up.
My parent arrived around 4:30 or so, I wasn't keeping an eye on the clock (b/t the sick and the tired, I was barely conscious whatsoever between 1:00 and 7:00 last night. And all the straining and clenching &c, had given me what is almost without doubt the worst headache I have ever had). Around 5:00, the last vomiting of the night, about half a stomachful of bile mixed with blood. My dad called my oncologist, who seemed convinced that I wasn't going to die in the night. Good enough for me.
**********
After all that fun, I was pretty much just tired, thank god, although my head felt like it was being squeezed in a c-clamp. So I slept a lot. My parents procured food for me, pretty much the most innocuous stuff they could get (saltines! flavorless potatoes! herbal tea!). At the time I went to bed, I would guess that I had about 3/4 of flavorless carbohydrates in system (and whatever minimal protiens the potatoes might have added). At 11:30, I slept the sleep of the just, or at least the sleep of those who feel like they've been punched in the gut a dozen times and then stepped on.
I think it fair to say that the I have a new "the worst 12-hour period in my whole life."
WHAT I LEARNED:
Eat something starchy before chemo.
Eat something starchy after chemo.
Take the optional anti-nausea meds before bleeomycin, even though it "doesn't cause nausea."
Holistic/animist approaches to cancer treatment, such as firedances in which the spirit of the cancer is implored to leave my body, are beginning to look like a reasonable alternate option.
-rash at site of injection
-fever
-hair loss
-skin discoloration around elbows and knees (?)
NOT nausea, right? You all see it.
So I wasn't that worried about surviving yesterday, except that they gave me Benadryl for the rash, and we all remember last Wednesday...and hey, I talked them down to a half-dose on that. After my dose in the morning, I go to work, ready to face my day, and crash. Real hard. It was kind of like:
10:00-11:00 - I am fine.
11:00-11:45 - A little sleepy
11:45-12:15 - A lot sleepy
12:15-12:30 - I just kind of sit and stare at my computer
12:30-12:40 - zzzzzzzz.
12:40 - I leave.
That lesson learned (fucking Benadryl). But that is not the story, oh no no no my little droogies, because after I got home, everything went straight to hell.
My father and Dr. Shevrin later came to the conclusion that I probably needed to eat right after the chemo, and that's where my problems began. But I didn't. Now I know. Anyway, the story gets right disgusting after here, so if you're weak of heart, or have good sense, skip ahead to the line of asterisks.
I never felt "nauseous" as such. But I did vomit. Quite a lot actually. At about 1:30 or 2:00, I emptied what must have been an entire stomachful of bile. I have no idea how this much bile managed to find its way into my digestive tract, but there it was. This trauma apparently burst a blood vessel somewhere or other, because I then vomited blood. Not much, but still...good God, it is scary. I called the hospital, and they assured me that I wasn't going to die of internal bleeding, which made me happy, and I had some water and tried to sleep.
40 minutes later, the water came back up.
My parent arrived around 4:30 or so, I wasn't keeping an eye on the clock (b/t the sick and the tired, I was barely conscious whatsoever between 1:00 and 7:00 last night. And all the straining and clenching &c, had given me what is almost without doubt the worst headache I have ever had). Around 5:00, the last vomiting of the night, about half a stomachful of bile mixed with blood. My dad called my oncologist, who seemed convinced that I wasn't going to die in the night. Good enough for me.
**********
After all that fun, I was pretty much just tired, thank god, although my head felt like it was being squeezed in a c-clamp. So I slept a lot. My parents procured food for me, pretty much the most innocuous stuff they could get (saltines! flavorless potatoes! herbal tea!). At the time I went to bed, I would guess that I had about 3/4 of flavorless carbohydrates in system (and whatever minimal protiens the potatoes might have added). At 11:30, I slept the sleep of the just, or at least the sleep of those who feel like they've been punched in the gut a dozen times and then stepped on.
I think it fair to say that the I have a new "the worst 12-hour period in my whole life."
WHAT I LEARNED:
Eat something starchy before chemo.
Eat something starchy after chemo.
Take the optional anti-nausea meds before bleeomycin, even though it "doesn't cause nausea."
Holistic/animist approaches to cancer treatment, such as firedances in which the spirit of the cancer is implored to leave my body, are beginning to look like a reasonable alternate option.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Weekend thoughts
With my first week of chemo behind me, some general observations:
-chemo fucking blows.
-no, really, chemo fucking blows.
That said, I haven't really suffered any of the Dread Side Effects of chemotherapy in any profound way. No nausea whatsoever - and thank God for small favors - and no fatigue that I haven't been able to handle (I have to admit, today was worse than yesterday, although Friday was probably the worst). Actually, the only big problem is appetite: I'm having a bit of a hard time with anything other than carbs and fruit. Meat proteins? Bah. Vegetables? Bah!
I'm really, really glad that I'm going back to work tomorrow. Having a for-real schedule again, and doing things and getting out of this damn apartment for more than a half-hour at a go will be very good for me.
There will be posts only as events dictate until my next cycle begins, 2/28/05.
-chemo fucking blows.
-no, really, chemo fucking blows.
That said, I haven't really suffered any of the Dread Side Effects of chemotherapy in any profound way. No nausea whatsoever - and thank God for small favors - and no fatigue that I haven't been able to handle (I have to admit, today was worse than yesterday, although Friday was probably the worst). Actually, the only big problem is appetite: I'm having a bit of a hard time with anything other than carbs and fruit. Meat proteins? Bah. Vegetables? Bah!
I'm really, really glad that I'm going back to work tomorrow. Having a for-real schedule again, and doing things and getting out of this damn apartment for more than a half-hour at a go will be very good for me.
There will be posts only as events dictate until my next cycle begins, 2/28/05.
Friday, February 11, 2005
I'm so tired...
The dreaded "chemo fatigue" hit me last night at about 8:00. Apologies to those who I had to miss out on seeing, as I understand that there was a really kick-ass IHOP trip.
I was still pretty far out of it when I woke up today, and I spent most of the actual chemotherapy session asleep, nodding off, or resting my eyes. The good news is that I have had more appetite today than pretty much every day since Sunday. And I'm actually going to get to move about a little bit - I'm going for a walk.
It is my hope that I can minimize the fatigue by not giving in to it. This is perhaps my customary obstinence, but I really dread the thought of being in the same fuguey mental state I was last night for another 9 weeks. So I choose not to let it hit me. Updates on my success or failure as it occurs.
I was still pretty far out of it when I woke up today, and I spent most of the actual chemotherapy session asleep, nodding off, or resting my eyes. The good news is that I have had more appetite today than pretty much every day since Sunday. And I'm actually going to get to move about a little bit - I'm going for a walk.
It is my hope that I can minimize the fatigue by not giving in to it. This is perhaps my customary obstinence, but I really dread the thought of being in the same fuguey mental state I was last night for another 9 weeks. So I choose not to let it hit me. Updates on my success or failure as it occurs.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
I gots holes in my arms
Schedule Change!
Friday, 11 February (tomorrow) is now from 8:30 - roughly 1:30. Which is, all things considered, a good change for me.
Today I had a new nurse: Marilyn Citterman. At this point, almost all of my sessions will be performed either by her or by Julia, which is kind of good because although Nora was nice, she was also very pushy.
We are told that chemotherapy takes its toll on the veins, and this morning I got my first taste of that: it took two nurses three tries to finally get the IV in me. Not as bad as yesterday, when it took four tries and a rather substantial quantity of blood. But I'm beginning to look like a junkie.
Thankfully, I got no Benadryl today, and therefore I do not have the complete dissociation from the waking world that pretty much defined yesterday afternoon and evening.
Oddly enough, this was probably my best day of chemo, besides the IV thing - I've had a stronger appetite than pretty much since my surgery last week, and I'm less tired than after any prior session. I choose not to believe that this means something will come to bite me on the ass later.
Friday, 11 February (tomorrow) is now from 8:30 - roughly 1:30. Which is, all things considered, a good change for me.
Today I had a new nurse: Marilyn Citterman. At this point, almost all of my sessions will be performed either by her or by Julia, which is kind of good because although Nora was nice, she was also very pushy.
We are told that chemotherapy takes its toll on the veins, and this morning I got my first taste of that: it took two nurses three tries to finally get the IV in me. Not as bad as yesterday, when it took four tries and a rather substantial quantity of blood. But I'm beginning to look like a junkie.
Thankfully, I got no Benadryl today, and therefore I do not have the complete dissociation from the waking world that pretty much defined yesterday afternoon and evening.
Oddly enough, this was probably my best day of chemo, besides the IV thing - I've had a stronger appetite than pretty much since my surgery last week, and I'm less tired than after any prior session. I choose not to believe that this means something will come to bite me on the ass later.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Benadryl is a harsh mistress
I took my first dose of the last of my three drugs today - bleomycin. This is the hair-loss drug, so I could be bald, in theory, any day now (not true. Talked with the oncologist today, and he thinks it'll be a good two weeks. So my target of shaving on 2/19 looks good).
The interesting thing about bleomycin, it can cause rashes and fevers in the short term. So they gave me Tyelenol and Benadryl before I took it. I don't like Tylenol, we all know that, but whatever. But Benadryl...none of you have ever seen me on Benadryl before. There is a reason for that. In all my life of taking drugs, I have still not found anything that wipes me out quite as throroughly as Benadryl. I'm talking fucking elephant-tranqs here. I've managed to cling to consciousness so far, and I think I'm out of the worst. But I do find it ironic that my worst side effect so far is from an OTC antihistamine.
Otherwise, I'm perky and healthy, if we ignore the mass of mutated cells trying to eat as much healthy lung tissue as possible.
Props to Kat for coming to visit me. Thanks!
The interesting thing about bleomycin, it can cause rashes and fevers in the short term. So they gave me Tyelenol and Benadryl before I took it. I don't like Tylenol, we all know that, but whatever. But Benadryl...none of you have ever seen me on Benadryl before. There is a reason for that. In all my life of taking drugs, I have still not found anything that wipes me out quite as throroughly as Benadryl. I'm talking fucking elephant-tranqs here. I've managed to cling to consciousness so far, and I think I'm out of the worst. But I do find it ironic that my worst side effect so far is from an OTC antihistamine.
Otherwise, I'm perky and healthy, if we ignore the mass of mutated cells trying to eat as much healthy lung tissue as possible.
Props to Kat for coming to visit me. Thanks!
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Take me to the Mardi Gras
My nurse today was Julia Kravetz, Dr. Shevrin's assistant. Which may or may not be relevant to anything. However, she did work a hell of a lot faster than Nora did, getting me out after only 4.5 hours.
I'm - substantially - more tired than I was yesterday, which doesn't make much sense, given how much better sleep I got last night than Sunday. But I guess when they're pumping you full of heavy metals, you take whatever side effects you get. I'm thinking about napping, which would be annoying because I had hoped to edit some this afternoon.
Not all is bad news - I got a portable DVD player last night and so was able to watch Kill Bill, the Whole Bloody Thing, although not all of it at the hospital (short session, like I said).
Now the decision - accept the fatigue and nap, or fight tooth and nail to stay awake?
I'm - substantially - more tired than I was yesterday, which doesn't make much sense, given how much better sleep I got last night than Sunday. But I guess when they're pumping you full of heavy metals, you take whatever side effects you get. I'm thinking about napping, which would be annoying because I had hoped to edit some this afternoon.
Not all is bad news - I got a portable DVD player last night and so was able to watch Kill Bill, the Whole Bloody Thing, although not all of it at the hospital (short session, like I said).
Now the decision - accept the fatigue and nap, or fight tooth and nail to stay awake?
Monday, February 07, 2005
For what it's worth...
Subject to change, but here's the schedule. Come visit me! Not only will I not be in the mood to talk, I can't move more than three feet! And after Wednesdays, I'll be violently ill!
These are all, more or less, 5.5 hours stays. *dates will be about an hour lounger
2/7, Monday - 8:30 AM
2/8, Tuesday - 9:00 AM
*2/9, Wednesday - 9:00 AM
2/10, Thursday - 9:00 AM
2/11, Friday - 11:00 AM
2/28, Monday - 9:30 AM
3/1, Tuesday - 9:30 AM
*3/2, Wednesday - 9:00 AM
3/3, Thursday - 10:00 AM
3/4, Friday - 9:30 AM
3/21, Monday - 10:00 AM
3/22, Tuesday - 9:30 AM
*3/23, Wednesday - 9:30 AM
3/24, Thursday - 9:30 AM
3/25, Friday - 9:00 AM
4/11, Monday - 9:30 AM
4/12, Tuesday - 10:00 AM
4/13, Wednesday - 9:00 AM
*4/14, Thursday - 9:00 AM
4/15, Friday - 9:00
Plus an assemblage of shorter "go in and get injected" days during the in-between weeks.
The Kellogg Cancer Care Center phone number, for those who be interested: 847-570-2110
These are all, more or less, 5.5 hours stays. *dates will be about an hour lounger
2/7, Monday - 8:30 AM
2/8, Tuesday - 9:00 AM
*2/9, Wednesday - 9:00 AM
2/10, Thursday - 9:00 AM
2/11, Friday - 11:00 AM
2/28, Monday - 9:30 AM
3/1, Tuesday - 9:30 AM
*3/2, Wednesday - 9:00 AM
3/3, Thursday - 10:00 AM
3/4, Friday - 9:30 AM
3/21, Monday - 10:00 AM
3/22, Tuesday - 9:30 AM
*3/23, Wednesday - 9:30 AM
3/24, Thursday - 9:30 AM
3/25, Friday - 9:00 AM
4/11, Monday - 9:30 AM
4/12, Tuesday - 10:00 AM
4/13, Wednesday - 9:00 AM
*4/14, Thursday - 9:00 AM
4/15, Friday - 9:00
Plus an assemblage of shorter "go in and get injected" days during the in-between weeks.
The Kellogg Cancer Care Center phone number, for those who be interested: 847-570-2110
Le premier traitement
Got out of bed after a satisfying 4-hour night's sleep, and spent about an hour trying to wake up. The final sperm banking this morning, less painful than last week.
And now the main attraction:
8:30 - I am admitted into room 818 at the Kellogg Cancer Center. It has a bed, a closet, a private washroom and several chairs. There is a TV/VCR that appears to be roughly as old as I am. Shall have to acquire a portable DVD player.
Nora Koenig, my nurse, hooks me up to an IV of saline, to prime my system or something. Making sure I have enough liquid in me. I don't have much to do (I brought the Kill Bill DVDs, The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie, and a GBA with Final Fantasy I/II, and ultimately opt for the video game).
For several hours, I sit in the chair (which reclines, thank god) playing my Game Boy, with roughly hourly punctuations as Nora changes my IV (the concatenation: saline -> other, better saline-like substance -> Cisplatin (chemo drug!) -> a very effective diuretic -> Etoposide (chemo!). A brief bit of fun after the diuretic: I managed to bump the IV lose (then in my right hand), and it had to be transferred to my arm.
I have as yet suffered no ill effects.
And now the main attraction:
8:30 - I am admitted into room 818 at the Kellogg Cancer Center. It has a bed, a closet, a private washroom and several chairs. There is a TV/VCR that appears to be roughly as old as I am. Shall have to acquire a portable DVD player.
Nora Koenig, my nurse, hooks me up to an IV of saline, to prime my system or something. Making sure I have enough liquid in me. I don't have much to do (I brought the Kill Bill DVDs, The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie, and a GBA with Final Fantasy I/II, and ultimately opt for the video game).
For several hours, I sit in the chair (which reclines, thank god) playing my Game Boy, with roughly hourly punctuations as Nora changes my IV (the concatenation: saline -> other, better saline-like substance -> Cisplatin (chemo drug!) -> a very effective diuretic -> Etoposide (chemo!). A brief bit of fun after the diuretic: I managed to bump the IV lose (then in my right hand), and it had to be transferred to my arm.
I have as yet suffered no ill effects.
Prefatory to what follows
I want to reiterate: this is just a tool of convenience. Given the number of people who know about my impending chemotherapy, I figured it was just easier to keep this board up than to call each and every one of you every day to say that I was still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (or not, as will probably prove to be the case).
Anyway, I'm going to post every afternoon after chemo, and maybe occasionally on the off-weeks, if anything interesting happens, like the release of a pill that cures cancer instantly.
The timeline so far:
c. 2 January, 2005: I find a most suspicious lump during a self-exam like those helpful shower inserts in the dorm taught us all about.
Monday, 24 January: I finally see a physician, Dr. John Ebihara, after several weeks of bureaucratic confusion & searching for a GP.
Wednesday, 26 January: I meet with Dr. Thomas Keeler of ENH Urology. He confirms that I almost certainly have a malignancy, although he doubts at this point that it has spread. Blood tests are done.
Friday, 28 January: CT scans are performed on my chest, abdomen and pelvis.
Saturday, 29 January: I speak to Dr. Keeler on the phone during Class of Nuke 'Em High at B-Fest. He informs me that the CT scans show masses in my lymph nodes and lungs. I immediately call my father, and suffer through Lassie: The Adventures of Neeka in silence. The Ice Pirates cheers me up immensely. At the beginning of It! The Terror From Outer Space, my parents arrive in Evanston, and I tear out of B-Fest like a bat out of hell.
Tuesday, 1 February: I enter surgery at 8:30 AM. My right testicle is removed. I am groggy and in pain all day.
Wednesday, 2 February: I speak with an oncologist, Dr. Daniel Shevrin. He clarifies that the masses are in only one lymph node, and in my left lung, above and below said node. He also confirms that cancer was found in my testicle. We discuss chemotherapy, and he mentions that because of the risk of infertility, I should begin to bank sperm immediately. I do so, and the process is painful (recall where I have recently been operated on. Recall that I am...banking sperm. I repeat: pain) .
Thursday, 3 February: I walk to the reproductive health center at ENH (I would remind you, I have a large gash in my pelvis as I make this walk). I bank sperm, and it is painful.
Friday, 4 February: I bank sperm, and it is painful.
Normal posting will begin Monday afternoon.
Anyway, I'm going to post every afternoon after chemo, and maybe occasionally on the off-weeks, if anything interesting happens, like the release of a pill that cures cancer instantly.
The timeline so far:
c. 2 January, 2005: I find a most suspicious lump during a self-exam like those helpful shower inserts in the dorm taught us all about.
Monday, 24 January: I finally see a physician, Dr. John Ebihara, after several weeks of bureaucratic confusion & searching for a GP.
Wednesday, 26 January: I meet with Dr. Thomas Keeler of ENH Urology. He confirms that I almost certainly have a malignancy, although he doubts at this point that it has spread. Blood tests are done.
Friday, 28 January: CT scans are performed on my chest, abdomen and pelvis.
Saturday, 29 January: I speak to Dr. Keeler on the phone during Class of Nuke 'Em High at B-Fest. He informs me that the CT scans show masses in my lymph nodes and lungs. I immediately call my father, and suffer through Lassie: The Adventures of Neeka in silence. The Ice Pirates cheers me up immensely. At the beginning of It! The Terror From Outer Space, my parents arrive in Evanston, and I tear out of B-Fest like a bat out of hell.
Tuesday, 1 February: I enter surgery at 8:30 AM. My right testicle is removed. I am groggy and in pain all day.
Wednesday, 2 February: I speak with an oncologist, Dr. Daniel Shevrin. He clarifies that the masses are in only one lymph node, and in my left lung, above and below said node. He also confirms that cancer was found in my testicle. We discuss chemotherapy, and he mentions that because of the risk of infertility, I should begin to bank sperm immediately. I do so, and the process is painful (recall where I have recently been operated on. Recall that I am...banking sperm. I repeat: pain) .
Thursday, 3 February: I walk to the reproductive health center at ENH (I would remind you, I have a large gash in my pelvis as I make this walk). I bank sperm, and it is painful.
Friday, 4 February: I bank sperm, and it is painful.
Normal posting will begin Monday afternoon.
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